MINIBot vs. the Firepit

How a fight broke out between me, the MINIBot, and a fire pit.

In preparing for a Pre-Fourth of July bash, I purchased a freestanding fire pit at my local Wally World. I've always been crazy jealous of any one with a fire pit in their backyard and the $48.00 deal was the clincher. I found the 30" Round Home & Garden Outdoor fire pit on the second shelf - and of course, out of reach for my short stature. It also looked heavy and the last thing I needed was to throw out my back at in the Garden Center of the Jordan Landing Walmart.

It took me a second but I actually found an employee in the next section... unfortunately the acne-covered teen pawned me off on the non-existent garden center crew by saying, "Um, I think the Garden Center can help you. They might have to use that scissor thing." As I walked back to garden center and through the sliding glass doors to the outdoor area of the store, I passed the 'scissor thing' and noticed that it was a smaller one of those lifts that construction crews use to fix power poles and traffic lights during rush hour.

When I found another employee, he was working at the register and couldn't leave. He did ask the lady restocking flower stuff to help me - third time's the charm. I walked her over to the fire pits and pointed out the one I wanted. I usually pride myself on being pretty self-sufficient with lifting and finding things in stores but the box was awkward. After the garden center lady reached up and easily pulled it off the shelf, I just thought "Wow! I'm now that girl in strappy sandals at the Big Ass Show clutching my Kate Spade purchase trying to keep my hair from getting messed up." Flower lady and I rearranged my already-selected stuff to get the big square fire pit box into the cart.

Only after purchasing the fire pit and walking to my car did I think that it might be too big for the MINIBot - even with the seats down and the front seat pushed up all the way. I parked the cart next to the MINIBot and opened the boot.

Hmmmm...

This could be tricky.

I loaded all of the small stuff into the front seat (which I pulled completed up). I moved all extras from my tiny trunk space (yes, MINI coopers have a trunk). I then picked up the rather light fire pit box and began to push it in flat.

No.

I twisted the box to a diagonal angle.

Nope.

I flipped the box thinking that one end was larger than the other.

Fat chance.

Breathing heavily and now worried that I'd have to make other arrangements to get the $#%& thing home, I tried to think of other options. Maybe it would fit into the back past the front seat. The problem in getting it into the back of the MINIbot was that there were two ledges (one on either side of the car) about two inches from the back hatch door and halfway up each side that held the top that covered what was in the trunk while the seats were all up.

Maybe the box would fit into the MINIbot if I pushed the box in behind the passenger seat. I moved the stuff I had just squished into the passenger's seat and pushed the seat forward all the way.

Narp! (DAMMIT!!!)

I put all the stuff I just removed back into the passenger's seat and put the seat back into its spot. I looked at the box. It was square and packed well (to not damage the coolest purchase ever).

What if I removed the packaging? The actual pit might fit into the car while the box was too big. But I didn't have a knife.

KEYS!

I pulled out my MINIbot's tough laser cut key and began to hack away at the packing tape that seemed to cover every inch of the box. This was more difficult than getting into a new DVD.

I pulled and yanked and the lid came off. Styrofoam encased the fire pit and it came out in pieces covering me in little static-y balls of white snow. I mutilated the entire fire pit's nicely presented packaging while innocent families and other onlookers watched my almost manic behavior.

UGGGHHH!

I pulled out piece after piece of the pit and then came the moment of truth: the round base and largest part of the fire pit. I pulled it from the styrofoam and carefully pushed it through the back door of the MINIbot.

IT FITS!!!

I did a little happy dance and placed the rest of the parts in the back of the MINIbot. The demolished cardboard, styrofoam, and plastic that had encased the fire pit was loaded back into the cart and wheeled to the flower/plant entrance of Walmart. I told the not-so-helpful workers that I had to remove the fire pit from the box and I didn't want to be 'that customer' and leave it in the parking lot. They looked at me like I was crazy... but I didn't care. I had just battled for 30 minutes to get my new purchase into my tiny MINIbot... and I won.

Oops! I found a funny video clip

Comical clip from a so-so romantic comedy starring Michelle Pfiffer and Paul Rudd. In this scene, Saorise Ronan (playing Michelle's daughter) is singing in the mirror an excellent rendition of "Oops! I did it again."

Miss March: The worst sex comedy ever!

Plucked straight from my blockbuster online queue, "Miss March" arrived at my house for viewing this week. I occasionally enjoy a raunchy comedy but this film was a big mistake. Had I known that the film was written and acted by those involved with the IFC show "The Whitest Kids U Know," I would have deleted it from my queue and never wasted my time.

"Miss March" begins as Eugene and his friend, Tucker, are finishing high school. Eugene is dating Cindy and they head up the abstinence club. Cindy finally convinces Eugene to 'do it' on prom night, but before the they can do the deed Eugene falls down some stairs and goes into a coma for four years.

Upon waking via baseball bat to the head by Tucker, Eugene discovers that his virginal girlfriend, Cindy, has turned into Playboy's latest monthly centerfold. The two morons decide to travel across the country to the Playboy mansion to reunite Eugene with Cindy for his first time.

The film tried to be funny on a frat boy level and constant bathroom humor just makes my eyes roll. What the film lacked was an ability to make me care about the characters - oh ya, and actors who could convince me that they were the characters and not just future comedy variety show actors. "Miss March" missed the beat and unlike films such as "American Pie" lacked the human emotion element that made the audience care about Eugene getting Cindy in the end.

My ruling... don't waste your time.