22 February 2009

Ode to Alan

One of my favorite actors is Alan Rickman. His ability to change his appearance and demeanor from a vile villain to a neurotic actor is amazing. Try these on for size if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Galaxy Quest

Alexander Dane

This movie is by far one of the most underrated films. It has a great ensemble cast of misfits (Tim Allen, Tony Shaloub, Signorney Weaver) who are actors stuck in their Trekkie-type roles. In this flick, Alan Rickman plays Alexander Dane who frequently looses his mind because he can't believe he's known more for the alien with a rubber cap over his head and not for his more 'serious' work.

Jason Nesmith: You WILL go out there.
Sir Alexander Dane: I won't and nothing you say will make me.
Jason Nesmith: The show must go on.
Sir Alexander Dane: ...Damn you.

Harry Potter

Severus Snape

Rickman has turned the nasty professor who's constantly riding Harry Potter for his many faults into a comedic and likable character throughout the Harry Potter film series. Even his distain for the boy who survived he-who-shall-not-be-named, Harry Potter, is fun to watch.

Nobel Son

Eli Michaelson

Haven't seen this film yet but I can't wait. "Nobel Son" follows Rickman as a snobby chemist who just won the Nobel Prize. Unfortunately his son gets kidnapped and then decides to help the kidnapper get all the prize money due to his dislike of his father.

Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Marvin "the droid"

The depressed robot from this movie cracks me up. Rickman isn't even on the screen but his voice resonates though the big headed (literally) melacholy droid.

Marvin: I've been talking to the main computer.
Arthur: And?
Marvin: It hates me.

Sense and Sensibility

Col. Brandon Christopher

With Jane Austin's words, Emma Thompson's screenplay and a completely romantic chick-flick, Alan Rickman steps away from his comedic roles to portray the reliable and perfect love interest to Kate Winslet's Marianne Dashwood.



In this (probably the best) of Kevin Smith's films, Alan takes on the sarcastically funny angel Metatron (voice of God) who is as 'anatomically impaired as a Ken doll' yet must guide the last scion to New Jersey where she must stop two fallen Angels from entering a church. Smith fuses a story full of blasphemy, a poop demon, and great commentary on religion, religious fanatics and the rest of us.

Bethany: What are you?
Metatron: I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

Metatron: Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.

Die Hard

Hans Gruber

Calling Bruce Willis a cowboy and generally being a great bad guy kept this action movie exciting until the last second.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Sheriff of Nottingham

The only movie I can sit through that features Kevin Costner. But lets face it as the rotten Sheriff who continually threatens people with spoons Rickman is just superb.

Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Wait a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public, and they love him for it?
[Scribe nods]
Sheriff of Nottingham: That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.

Bottle Shock

Steven Spurrier

As California began to try a hand at the wine business, an English wine connoisseur created the 1976 blind taste test. As Spurrier, Rickman travels around Cali with Chris Pine's Bo Barrett tasting wine and choosing the contestants for the first ever contest. The film is based on a true story and features a great ensemble cast like Bill Pullman, Freddy Rodriguez and Elisa Dushku.

Jim Barrett: Why don't I like you?
Steven Spurrier: Because you think I'm an ass. And I'm not really. It's just that I'm British and you're not.

19 February 2009

Project: Save 'Reaper'

Get hooked on a witty show that takes a cue from Joss Whedon's school of TV writing, "Reaper" fuses sarcasm, impeccable dialog and a great cast to create something that is highly entertaining. The second season starts up on March 3 on The CW. If you're wondering why watch a show called "Reaper"... then read on.

1. Reaper is what happens when an underachieving home improvement store employee, Sam, learns on his 21st birthday that his parents have sold his soul to the devil... who now expects him to hunt escaped souls from Hell.

Sam's dad: There's something I... I have to tell you. I, uh, I probably should have told you this a long time ago. I, uh... Before you were born, your Mom and I... sold your soul to the Devil.

2. The devil is a snappy dresser and comes in the form of Ray Wise (of "Twin Peaks" fame).

Devil: [pointing to a muscle-bound fireman washing the firetruck] There's your first fugitive. Broke out of Hell after 50 years for arson.

[the fireman starts flexing]

Devil: Oh, God, gag me. Look at that tool. Would you capture him already?

3. Bret Harrison (Sam) is HOT!

Sam's dad: Bad day?
Sam: Let's see, um, got chased by a pack of dogs, moved an air conditioner with my mind - oh and the Devil tried to carjack me, so overall, not a great day.

4. Sam's friends, Ben and Sock, join him in his quest to fight those pesky demon's who've escaped from Hell. Ben tries to help him defeat his first demon - a pyro - and loses his eyebrows. To make him feel better Sock decides to draw Ben's eyebrows back on with a black Sharpie.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki: Ben would want eyebrows, and he would want us to give them to him. Say yes. Just do it.

5. Kevin Smith is involved. And lets face it (aside from Zack and Miri) Kevin Smith is just awesome.

6. Each demon is pulled, sucked or otherwise caught into a vessel (much like the Ghostbusters ghost traps). My favorite is still the first vessel in the pilot - The Dustbuster.

Ben: I take it back, Sam, that's a really evil mini-vac.

7. Vessels are taken to the DMV to return the trapped demons to hell. I mean, where else can you find hell on Earth but the DMV?

Sam: Wait. So, they're not all little vacuums?
DMV Demon: The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle. You must be a real moron. [laughs]

Try the Pilot:

06 February 2009

Cookie Sutra and Other Stories

After eating too much at Mimi's Cafe I went to Barnes and Noble with Jen, Cindi and Dani. Immediately we were hit with love books of all types but the majority were about... you guessed it: Sex! The top favorite was The Cookie Sutra. A mock of the kinky Indian love techniques Kama Sutra, The Cookie Sutra depicts the 'positions' using gingerbread cookies. I couldn't help but look and then laugh like a 12-year-old.

The second favorite was the display of books near the front of the store. First, it was 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex and then 101 Nights of Grrrreat Romance and then Experiencing Words with Jesus. When Dani pointed out the display she wondered if B&N employees were trying to tell us something. I have to admit - I did too.

03 February 2009

Glitter, Glitter, Everywhere

In an effort to create sparkly hearts for the walls at the St. Valentine's Day Massacre Party (email me if you'd like to come), I decided that I would use found objects around my house. I needed red and black construction paper (check), and something to make it sparkly... I thought to myself "Self, let's use the glitter hairspray from several years ago." I generally think that spray anything is better because it is easier.

So I cut the hearts and then shook the can of hairspray. I luckily moved into my bathroom for this next part. As I sprayed the hearts with glitter, several gajillion bits of the stuff went everywhere. It covered my counter, my floor, my curling iron and hot rollers, the toilet, the wall, and so on. Now I thought "Wow! I'm brillant!" and then thought that moving outside would have been a better plan. I then spent the next few days cleaning up glitter from every surface of the bathroom. I'm just glad that the toilet seat was down otherwise my rear would have been as sparkly and gay as Edward from "Twilight." (Sorry for that mental image and the "Twilight" reference for anti-Twilight people).

I figure it was all in a good cause because this Friday, Feb 13th will have a great bash all dedicated to an awesome era (the Roarin' 20s). Why is it going to be awesome? Because it's a shindig inspired by a Valentine's Day when there weren't lovers getting all goo-goo eyed but instead gangsters were shooting each other. Aahhh! Now that's true romance... too bad they didn't have red and black paper hearts covered in glitter hairspray.